The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
