Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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