this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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