Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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