Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
