finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
