You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
