I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
