Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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