i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
