it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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