I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
