i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
This toilet bowl is my home.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
