watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
