I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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