trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
