Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
