Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My vagina is officially offended.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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