So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
