My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
