so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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