why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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