Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
