So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
