Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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