I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
