i think i have two assholes
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
