it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
