dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
