Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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