Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
