i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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