I wish I could teleport
zippers are such a cool invention
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
