Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
My penis needs a shock collar
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I need to calm my uterus...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
