before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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