you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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