I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
