my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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