I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
