So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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