Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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