i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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