So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My ass is underappreciated
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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