Michael Bay diarrhea
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
