Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
