she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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