you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I AM VODKA MAN
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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