We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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