i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
