I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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