she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We need a shit load of segways right now
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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