My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
