Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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