If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
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I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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