clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
