i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
