last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
